


I Want To Be A Kid Again.

by orphan_account



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Depression, F/M, M/M, Only one that relates even a little I'm sorry, Self-Harm, if it's even graphic depictions of violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-10
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-02-28 18:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2742614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an AU where everything is the same except the whole plot line is gone. The boys are still in the academy, Noah's alive, Blue's not stuck with worrying about Gansey dying if she kisses him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I need another cigarette." 

 

"You've bummed four already, fuck up." 

 

Ronan flicked the done for cigarette bum to the ground, letting go a heaving and long breath when looking up, smoke coming out like a faucet from his puckered lips. He then glanced over to who was next to him, Kavinsky.

 

He was starting to hang out with this guy, it was shame and he knew it, but he was the only one who allowed him to smoke, or drink...No.

 

_Approved of him to smoke or drink._

 

So, he hung out with the other when he got bored, or wanted to just fuck around.

 

As of now, they were standing about two feet from each other in an old parking lot of Henrietta, with long grass and weeds busted throughout the cracks of the damaged pavement. 

 

However, Kavinsky then sat on the hood of his Mitsubishi, glancing up to the sky, which was dark and covered with a canvas of winter consolations, breathing out, huffing in, breathing out, creating smoke rings with the latest whiff from his cigarette.

 

Kavinsky then coughed, tossing the bummed cigarette to the ground of the vacant parking lot, coughing once more into his arm. 

 

Ronan looked over from about half a foot away from the car, folding his arms, it was cold, but his northern body could handle the cool winter air Virginia offered. 

 

"When does your master want you back home Lynch?" 

 

"Stop calling him  _that._ " Ronan murmured in response.

 

"Well, when does he want you back then?" Kavinsky repeated, folding his arms, smirking as he held himself up well on the hood of the pricey car.

 

"I go back whenever I want to. It's what I do when I'm gone that pisses him off." Ronan grumbled softly, looking to some of the overgrown grass, hitting his jean covered legs with every gust of wind at his feet.

 

Kavinsky rolled his eyes, hopping off the hood. 

 

"Tell you what, when you go back tomorrow  _morning,_ instead of late tonight when he's fast asleep, I'll believe that." He said in response, the snark of a grin he had to his lips was just the kind you look at and want to bash in. 

 

Ronan rolled his eyes to this, just staying still, no matter how close the other got to him.

 

"Any closer and you'll be kissing me." Ronan finally said, when it was true, Kavinsky got so close they were half an inch from each other's faces.

 

Then Kavinsky stepped back, walking towards the car. "You wish." He mumbled as he opened the door.

 

"Come on." He added, Ronan just stared, raising an eyebrow towards his motions, hearing the engine roar up.

 

"I'm driving your ass back, Ronan." He said, slamming his door, and watching Ronan from the windshield as he walked around, and got in as well, shutting his door and not even buckling his seat belt.

 

"Drive me to Adam's place." Ronan said, folding his arms and glancing over to Kavinsky after sitting back in the leather seating. 

 

"Parrish's? Master wont get mad?" Kavinsky teased as he drove from the parking lot and down the dark street, all but the flickering street lights. 

 

"Fuck off." 

 

"Learn how to take a joke, Lynch."

 

"Learn how to make a joke." 

 

"Harsh." 

 

Ronan stayed quiet after getting that response, it wasn't long until they stopped around the block of St. Agnes church, where Adam's terribly small place was. It was closer than Monmouth, though, and it wasn't like he  _wanted_ to spend another second with Kavinsky, he hit his limit for the night. 

 

He got out of the car, slamming the door behind him glancing into the tinted window, seeing Kavinsky flicking him off with a thin smirk before driving off, literally leaving dust behind to foreshadow his appearance.

 

This made Ronan cough up that and a bit of the smoke from the many cigarettes he had just before. Yet he ignored the itch in his throat as he walked towards the stairwell of the apartment, when up to Adam's door, he took his phone from his pocket.

 

It was almost two thirty in the morning. Adam was asleep, he didn't stay up all night, he knew that. So he just sighed a bit, murmuring 'Sorry' under his breath before knocking three times onto the old oak door. 

 

* * *

 

 

Adam was just getting ready to go to sleep, in a three year old pair of rugged and dull brick red pajama pants, that still fit him only because he hadn't gained any weight or height. Along with that, an old tee shirt, ripped and stained too much by now to wear out to work.

 

He just finished brushing his teeth and drying his hair from his cold shower, heaving out a long sigh and looking down to the barrel of the sink, then looking up into the mirror at himself. 

 

He hated looking at himself in the mirror, it made him feel small, weak, and pathetic. Everything he  _already_ thought of himself, times by ten. So he just rolled his eyes and stood up fully again from being slouched, rubbing his left forearm, his wrist, with his fingertips lightly. Right over the few of many newly found cuts from earlier that week. He just switched off the light to the bathroom, walking over to the mattress of the small and very cramped apartment of his. 

 

The teen curled up and laid on his side, covering up with the small blanket he had, no pillow to have for his head. It was winter nights like these he wished he wasn't such an idiot, and moved into Monmouth. However, too little too late, he was already shown off as apathetic to any help offered by his friends. He was very sure that they hated him for that, just how unwilling he is, how independent he  _has_ to be.

 

He soon just closed his eyes, shivering a bit, it was cold, very cold, well, it was winter, and he had nothing but this blanket, no heating, no sheets, no one next to him...

 

He shook his head of those thoughts. He just fell right to sleep, thinking many more terrible thoughts about himself, his life, what it was. 

 

Half asleep, half awake, fully miserable, Adam heard three loud knocks on the door. This made him flinch up a little, and glance to the door, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles after sitting up, gritting his teeth. 

 

 _What_ time was it again? 

 

Without checking, he stood up and walked over, careful to open the door and cover his arms by folding them over his chest before the person who knocked could see his  _'shame'_ that scarred his skin, his damaged, toned southern skin.

 

It was Ronan, staring at him, looking as awake as ever, bright blue eyes locking onto dull blue ones that were just looking tired and confused.

 

"Can I crash here tonight?" Ronan asked after a break of silence. 

 

Adam just knitted his eyebrows together, tilting his head like a confused puppy. 

 

"I have a mattress, Lynch. One, one blanket, no pillow." Adam said softly, looking up to Ronan still, rubbing his arms a bit, the cold air from the stairwell gushing against them, making him shiver again and look away from Ronan's gaze. 

 

"Taking it as a no?" Ronan responded with. "Come on, scared to sleep in the same...Mattress, as me?" He said, letting go a sharp laugh, walking in and past Adam, falling onto the mattress, springs popping beneath him and shifting back into place as Ronan got comfortable.

 

"What? No, it's not that it's just--" 

 

_I can't hide them when I'm in bed._

 

"Never mind." Adam finished and closed the door, as he walked over, sitting on the mattress, felling an arm around him and then feeling himself tugged back, he grunted and felt his arms dispatch and separate.

 

His heart skipped a beat, it wasn't even an option to run out before someone saw, he was in _his own_ apartment. 

 

"Come on, you're such a buzz kill." Ronan said, flicking the side of Adam's head that had a messy bush of dusty brown hair.

 

"I'm tired." Adam said in a mumble to respond to Ronan, laying down, back to Ronan and curling his arms up to link together at his chest, shivering a little. 

 

"Go to sleep then, dumb ass." Ronan retorted, laying back full, arm kind of draping around where Adam's neck was, like a pillow. 

 

It was nice, Adam wasn't going to lie. 

 

Ronan felt Adam shivering from being cold under the thin blanket, as he tried to sleep, Ronan tugged his free arm around him and pulled him close, almost like spooning the other. This made Adam freeze a little, and just stiffen up, looking ahead in the dark room, licking his chapped up lips a little bit, closing his eyes again and not resisting. No matter how much Ronan smelt of smoke, he just obliged to it. It was a bit comfortable, and warm..

 

He liked it.

 

This feeling was just so fulfilling to him, and he liked that feeling, every once in a while.

 

When Adam was almost all the way to sleep, he shifted around, facing Ronan now, eyes closed and mouth opened a little bit. His arms showing.

 

In the open, and Ronan could see the slightly dark marks in the dark over Adam's skin where every cut, nick, and scar were placed.

 

And he did see. He wasn't even trying to sleep yet, just holding his arm around the other while thinking. So, when he did this, he looked down, seeing them all, every one of them. They were scattered around his forearm, only about ten to twenty on each arm, so that meant he only started recently...

 

Yet he was still _doing this to himself._ Ronan just stared, frowning, the thoughts actually hitting him that he wasn't noticing how much Adam was changing recently.

 

He usually wore tee shirts and old cargo shorts if not a day in school. Lately, he'd been wearing an old blue zip up jacket over anything he wore for a shirt. About two weeks now...It must have been around that time he started this.

 

He felt his heartbeat faulted, in some emotion, sorrow, no. Guilt, maybe. He didn't notice, no one did, if they did he would have known about it happening by now. 

 

Ronan somehow managed to fall right to sleep, from exhaustion of the stressing he was causing himself right now, and his grip around Adam was just loose now, due to not holding him like that in his sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

When Adam blinked his eyes open slowly, he heard a low buzzing from behind him, he was facing the other way now, away from Ronan and towards the door, there was no arm around him.

 

He sat up, rubbing his eyes slowly as he glanced over and down to see Ronan a bit sprawled out on the mattress, one arm off the side and on the cold and old wood. He just sighed a bit, looking to his arms, crossing them over his chest as he saw the faint light, dimmed from the fabric of Ronan's jean pocket, from his phone, that was ringing. 

 

It'd be rude to slid it out and answer it, so he didn't, until it  _wouldn't_ stop ringing, he lowered a hand, and tried to slip it out quickly.

 

Yet when he almost got it out, another hand jerked up and gripped his wrist tightly, making him gasp and try to pull away. 

 

Ronan was just looking up to the other tiredly, holding his wrist still before sitting up and letting it fall from his grip, moving his hand and wrist in circles until something popped, getting out his phone and simply declining the call he was getting.

 

"Privacy, Parrish." Ronan murmured before putting his phone away again. Adam just folded his arms again, raising an eyebrow.

 

 _Privacy,_ he thought,  _you made me let you sleep on the same mattress as me._

 

Whatever though, he nodded a bit in agreement. "Sorry, it was annoying me." He said softly, sliding off his legs from the mattress, curling them up, sock covered toes curling into the wood, feeling a small splinter pierce into his middle toe, just blinking softly to the feeling. Pain.

 

"I'm going to get dressed." Adam murmured before going to stand up, but yanked back down, making a small pop on the shitty springs. 

 

"I saw." 

 

"What?"

 

"You know what I'm talking about." Ronan stared at Adam, who's back was still facing him. 

 

Adam just stared to his feet, coiling up a little more, feeling the hand gripping his shoulder, heart kind of thudding up more every few moments.

 

Thud.

 

_Thud._

 

**_Thud._ **

 

Adam just jerked his shoulder away. "Get out." He mumbled, standing up and walking over, getting out an outfit and clutching it to his chest when he heard the springs on the bed jerk and Ronan stepping over to him.

 

"Adam no, I'm not--"

 

"Please just leave." Adam mumbled again, accent slipping with his posture and this problem, and his thoughts going insane. 

 

He was about to snap. Ronan could tell, so he just backed off, walking towards the door and nodding, motioning his hands up as if saying 'okay, I'm done.' To Adam.

 

The he left. The click when the door shut made Adam just un-clutch everything. He almost dropped his clothing, just the shirt slipped out of his grip fully, but he caught the rest with shaking hands, bending down a little to heft the rest up, looking down, eyes a bit wide before he shut them, slipping off his pajama pants, and slipping on an old pair of cargo pants for the day, sighing a little and sliding off his shirt. 

 

He glanced to the marks on his arms for half a second, before gritting his teeth and walking over to the bathroom, taking the small razor he popped from his shaving razor that was hidden behind the medicine shelf, the only thing in there.

 

He looked down to it, the rusted metal, the dried blood crusting on the edge of it. He dropped it into the sink, it hitting the basin and sloping the rest of the way down, just on the rim of being too big to fall into the drain.

He gripped a weak fist, and slammed it lightly onto the sink counter. 

 

Ronan  _knew._ He knew Ronan, if he knew a secret, he'd only keep it if he promised. He  _didn't_ promise. 

 

Yet he knew the look Ronan gave before he left, his 'backing off' look. Eyes a little wide, mouth straight in align, paled cheeks maybe heated up a little if he'd tensed someone enough to have to do so.

 

He hoped, very badly that he'd keep it a secret. 

 

Adam walked from the bathroom again, over to the spot where he'd dropped his clothing, hefting up the shirt and jacket, putting the items on, fixating the jacket so it was perfectly over his wrists, then brushing his hair with his fingers, just to get it out of his face, before leaving. 

 

* * *

 

 

Gansey was sitting by his bed, glancing over a few papers, two in each hand, holding them like he was playing poker and someone wasn't allowed to see them.

 

He had both earbuds in, sitting cross legged and just surrounded by scattered papers and files. His phone on the floor next to him, coffee thermos on the opposite side, half empty by now.

 

It was ten in the morning, he hadn't been to sleep since about two in the morning, and he woke up at four, tens of hundreds of ideas smacking into his brain, he just had to give them a try, right?

 

Yes. Right. He was always like this, wanting to stay up until dropping dead from exhaustion in thinking too much. 

 

Yet when he heard a few knocks on the second floor, he heard it as three dull and smacking thuds, muffled by his music, making him blink and pause his music, setting his papers down before glancing up to his bedroom door, tilting his head.

 

"Noah! Get the door, would you?" He shouted out from his room, groaning when he didn't get a response, standing up and taking out his headphones, walking out of his room and towards the door, opening it after unlocking it from the night before.

 

He saw Ronan, in the same clothing he was in before he last saw him, yesterday evening. He raised an eyebrow, then scrunching his nose a little, shaking his head. 

 

"Gross, you smell like smoke.." Gansey retched out and stepped back from the door, watching Ronan walk in, arms crossed over his chest.

 

"Where did you go?" Gansey asked after he got over the stench of smoke off his friend, shutting the door when he was inside. 

 

"Just out for a while, then to Adam's." He said simply, turning towards Gansey, opening his mouth to speak, then shutting it. 

 

He wasn't going to tell. He  _couldn't._  After how many times he was saved by Adam's sealed lips of embarrassment, he owed him one, or twenty, he didn't know. However many times he was caught just staring at him, or Gansey, or Noah, or any guy they have ever met that wasn't over the age of thirty. 

 

When Ronan was in his room, about to go to the bathroom to get a shower, he heard a knock on the door again.

 

"Ronan!!" He heard Gansey call out in distress, due to just sitting back down a few moments ago and working again.

 

Ronan walked over. "Got it." He called back out in response, opening the door, seeing who he expected.

 

Adam. 

 

He just stared at the other, glancing over the jacket. He knew the reason now, he just _....didn't want to know it._

 

It didn't hurt to know, it just felt like such a burden to know someones biggest secret that was behind a thin piece of fabric, hidden from the world.

 

Ronan was about to say something, yet he froze, looking back, seeing Gansey standing at the door of his room, waving. "Hey Parrish." He said, walking towards the duo, gnawing onto a small mint leaf as he did this, gritting it between his teeth and raising an eyebrow, seeing as they were both just quiet. 

 

"What?" Gansey asked, dropping the leaf and folding his arms, tilting his head a bit.

 

"Nothing." Adam said before Ronan could come up with anything, looking down to his feet.

 

"Well--"

 

"Nothing." Adam repeated, walking in and past Ronan, towards Gansey. "Are we doing anything today?" He asked, as if nothing was wrong.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Triggering and warning content! Not for the light of heart!!

_2:48 AM_

 

Adam glanced over to his bed from his bathroom, which the door to was open. It was empty, all except his small and frail blanket, which made him just look away and back down.

 

Only to find his arms, which had only two fresh cuts open on each right now, spread out too. He watched as the blood slowly dripped from his arm after curving into a perfect arch around the rest of his arm, into the stained basin of the sink. 

 

His razor was on the side of the sink, blood on the sides and a bit rusty from where he left it wet overnight. He lowered a hand a little, taking up the blade and holding it with two slightly trembling fingers. As he brought his hand down to his arm, fingers holding the blade just above a clean spot on his forearm, he closed his eyes while dragging it over lightly. He wasn't in it for killing himself, not  _yet,_ at least. This was just in hope for relief, to feel  _better._

 

Yet when he was in the middle of this cut, he heard footsteps towards the door of the small apartment, glancing over and blinking a few times in shock when he heard three large knocks.

 

"Parrish?" A loud, familiar voice came through the walls like he was right next to Adam, it was Ronan. 

 

This made Adam flinch a little, not to the knock, or the small shout of his name, but to the sheer fact of how he was doing  _this_ right now, and he probably wouldn't have time to clean up and get to the-

 

That thought burst right into reality when he heard the door open and hit the wall when shoved a little, Ronan walking in. 

 

All of this was moving so fast, Adam didn't have more than two seconds of time, and all he was able to do in that little gap of time was toss the razor into the basin of the sink.

 

It was silent, and he felt Ronan staring, like always, but this time it was just a stare off him that made him so anxious about everything in his life.

 

Adam planted his hands on the sides of the sinks, breathing out in heaves as he looked down, biting his lip and closing his eyes, hearing steps towards him. Then he saw a pale and muscular hand lift one of Adam's arms up and to the side, making Adam open his eyes slowly, looking up to the other, confused written all over his expression.

 

The scarlet red, freshly opened marks bled more when Ronan was cleaning them off, with the stained wet cloth and the bandage Adam had for when he would leave for work, staying silent while doing so.

 

They both stayed silent, because what the hell was there to say? 

 

 "You're so stupid." Ronan practically snarled out soon after the silence cleaning of Adam's arms was done. Adam just folded his arms over his chest. 

 

"Whatever." He mumbled in response, looking down to his feet. "What do you want? I have to go to work soon." He continued, looking back up to him. 

 

Ronan just rolled his eyes. 

 

"So, that means fucking around with Kavinsky without telling anyone again?" Adam said without him able to respond in time. 

 

"Out of the two of us, which would be worse for Gansey to figure out, huh, Parrish?" 

 

Adam just looked down again, moving from the bathroom, bumping into Ronan's shoulder a little from the sheer smallness of it. He walked over and slid on his old jacket he wore to work nowadays. When he got his keys to his small and old car, he put them into his pocket, opening the door to his small church apartment. However when he began to walk out, his hand was grabbed.

 

Which was odd.

 

His wrist was usually grabbed. Then he remembered, that one of the cuts was on his wrist. Ronan knew he was a little pissed with Adam, but not enough to hurt him without any reason towards it. So he avoided the whole gripping-onto-wrists theory. 

 

Adam just stopped, not wanting to really run and bolt off to his car right now, he was just way too tired, not willing to give up his energy he'd been saving for work just to get away from something he would have to deal with sooner or later.

 

"Let me go." Adam said, unlatching Ronan's grasp from his hand, looking down still. 

 

"No." Ronan said, then gripping Adam's waist, yanking him back, making the other protest loudly, almost a shout as he was tossed back onto the mattress, making him sit up quickly and look up to Ronan, who was folding his arms now.

 

"Ronan, please just leave it alo--"

 

"Adam!" Ronan snapped before he could even finish. "What the hell do you think I'm going to do, let you just slowly kill yourself without telling anyone  _or_ making you stop??" He asked in a loud voice, but not a shout, not just yet.

 

"What do you think you're going to exactly do to make me stop, huh?" Adam said without hesitating to sound annoyed, because he was now almost late for work, not even on the way. 

 

Ronan just eyes Adam as he rubs at the slightly blood stained bandaging he had just done, trying to aggravate them. Knelling down, Ronan took both of his hands in a tight grip, separating them from each other. "Stop it." He said in a low snarl, looking up to Adam again, who was just shaking his head.

 

"Go do drugs with Kavinsky again Lynch." Adam said softly, almost hysterically, shoving Ronan away and standing up, pulling his sleeves over his hands again before doing as he didn't want to, running from the apartment, hearing a loud and slightly angered shout of his name from Ronan, not caring, hopping down the last three steps when he got that far, taking a small breath as he ran out to his car, quickly getting into his car, glancing over, seeing the other just getting down the stairwell before he just slammed his foot down onto the gas, the car exhaling much smoke from the tailpipe, the car speeding off, probably as fast as Adam could drive it, without crashing, that is. 

 

Ronan just watched, coughing a little to the smoke that Adam left, turning back towards the church and walking up to Adam's apartment, then to the bathroom, picking up the razor and flushing it down the toilet without any hesitation whatsoever. 

 

* * *

 

 

"Five over three. Exponents of three and two?" 

 

"It's  _four_ over three, exponents of two and one."

 

Gansey was whispering into the phone, helping Blue with her math homework, they did go to different schools, but Gansey was good enough at math to help someone like Blue out. Sure he wouldn't explain it like that at Blue, she'd take it the wrong way, like always.

 

"A slope of eight over three, with the Y-intercept of..?" Blue asked softly after a few moments, hearing the fumbling of Gansey standing up from laying on his bed. He was wearing pajama pants and a whit tee shirt, as he walked from his room, he brushed his hair out of his face with his free hand.

 

"Uh--." Gansey began, walking to the multiple purpose used room, laundry, bath, and kitchen. When he heard a small thud, walking a little slower.

 

Noah's room was near the bathroom, and he couldn't really get by without him seeing the phone to his ear, so he just walked by slowly, glancing in, seeing Noah look up and stare back, he must have just showered. He had messy, damp hair almost covering his eyes, no shirt on but he did have a pair of pajama pants on. So, Gansey just hung up the phone without saying anything else to Blue, putting it to his side before Noah could see fully.

 

When Noah cleared his hair from his eyes and forehead, he just watched Gansey get a water bottle from the small fridge in the multiple purpose room. When he left the room, Noah was at the doorway of his room by now, wearing a tee shirt now. 

 

"Who were you talking to?" Noah asked, kind of playing with his wet hair as he watched Gansey try to make up an explanation.

 

"Myself." Gansey lied, getting Noah to just tilt his head, and purse his lips.

 

"About slopes?" Noah asked, folding his arms and smiling a little to Gansey.

 

"Yeah, math work." 

 

"We did that two semesters ago, Gansey." Noah retorted, laughing a bit. "Seriously, who have you been talking to the past few nights?" He asked, seeing how uneasy Gansey looked after spinning the cap off the water bottle, looking down as he took his first sip.

 

"Don't tell Adam, but it's Blue.." He began, sighing as he repeated, "I've been talking to Blue." 

 

"Why would I tell Adam?" Noah said as he switched off his light, looking like he was about to go to sleep. 

 

"Because I think he liked her. Like, a lot." Gansey said as he dialed her number again. 

 

"I wont." Noah said, smiling a little slyly to the other. "But make sure to not tell Ronan, he can't keep a secret from Adam, you know that." He continued, seeing Gansey take another sip. "Anyways, night Gansey." He finished, shutting his bedroom door till it had a bit of a crack opened still, walking over and laying down.

 

Gansey just walked back to his own room, calling Blue again.

 

"What happened?" Blue asked with a sort of tone to her voice.

 

"Noah happened." Gansey responded with lowly and softly, not even shutting his room door before walking over and laying down again.

 

"Oh, well too bad, I had to figure that question out without you, and now I'm done." She said, speaking with a small smile to the other.

 

"Too bad? Too bad I didn't hear you bicker with yourself if the Y-intercept it one or two?" Gansey teased as he looked up to the ceiling in the dark, lining every wire that threaded across the arching roof with his eyes. 

 

"Yeah, well, I should really be getting to sleep, I have that trip tomorrow." Blue said, voice a little softer than before, due to post-yawning before she said it. 

 

"Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow, hopefully." Gansey murmured back before they said goodbyes, hanging up from each other's end of the lines.

 

It wasn't long after Gansey had began to fall asleep that he heard the door to the second floor fling open, and hit the wall. He jerked up and looked around quickly, blinking tiredly, checking the time.

 

_4:48 AM_

 

This just made Gasney groan as he slid his glasses on, sitting up and crawling out of bed, yet he was beat to the door of his room, by Ronan, walking in and stopping in front of Gansey, looking pretty pissed.

 

"What happened now?" Gansey mumbled out, cracking his fingers before stretching his arms up and out. 

 

Ronan just scrunched his nose a little, folding his arms. "I need to get Adam a doctor, or therapist. You know how to do that shit?" Ronan said, well, meant to be asked, but he put it in a tone that was like he didn't care one bit. 

 

Gansey shrugged. "Well, yeah I guess, I can show you how to set one up for him. It's pricey, though, he probably wouldn't be able to hold that payment too.." Gansey said as he stared to Ronan in confusion. "Why?" 

 

"Nothing you need to know. Also, I'm paying for it." Ronan said in response, quickly too. 

 

Gansey nodded to this, sighing. "Whatever. Go to sleep." He mumbled, walking back to his bed and laying down again, covering up and taking off his glasses.

 

Ronan watched, rolling his eyes at the same time as he turned himself around, walking from the room, slamming Gansey's door behind him, making him flinch and look up again.

 

He didn't really know what that was about, but he was currently hiding something pretty big from Adam, and Ronan, so he wasn't going to try and pry them to find out.

 


	3. Chapter 3

"I thought that class would never end." 

 

"You don't even go to the same classes as me." 

 

"It still felt like forever." Noah said with a small smile pursed to his lips while staring to Adam, fixating his hood on his jacket before hopping onto his bed, glancing over his shoulder when the door to the second floor opened. 

 

Gansey walked in, strode in if you would, and Ronan followed in not too far behind, making Adam look up and offer a tiny bit of a smile.

 

"Are we leaving soon?" Adam asked Gansey while he watched him slid on his winter jacket after taking off his school blazer. 

 

"Yeah, as soon as we're ready." Gansey said softly in response while grabbed his phone from the small table by the door, along with his keys, putting them into the back pocket of his school pants.

 

While he was doing this, Ronan was in his own room, getting into a whole new outfit, they knew about how much he hated the school uniforms. When Ronan walked out of his room, switching off his light and swinging his door shut all in one careless and swift motion, the trio int he main part just watched. 

 

"Okay, ready to go then?" Noah said, hopping off the bed again, like an excited puppy ready to go on a walk. Gansey shook his head while he watched Noah just roll his eyes and fold his arms over his chest.

 

"We need to figure out who's going where before we just leave." Gansey let out as he walked over and took Noah's seat. Noah just scrunched his nose a little while he watched the other do so. 

 

"What do you mean?" Adam asked softly in response, his tone just a bit over a whisper. Because he didn't yell if he didn't have to. He let his accent slip a little, yet that was just by cue of the question. 

 

Adam was sitting on the arm of the old couch in the room, as Ronan flung himself to lay down on the couch so his head was on Adam's lap, smirking with his arms behind his head. 

 

 Adam just stared down to him, seeing Ronan's sly smirk and closed eyes. This made him rolled his eyes and nudge the other off of him, and the couch it's self.

 

Ronan just flinched before falling, catching his feet on the ground, standing up and walking past Adam before smacking the back of his head, all of this happening when the other two were talking about who was riding in which car and where they were going.

 

Adam stood up when Noah began to walk to the door, and Ronan just glanced at the other when he did so. 

 

"Noah's riding with you, Lynch." Gansey said as he opened the door. 

 

"Nah, I'd rather take Parrish." Ronan said simply, yet this was something that he did want a little more than a little. 

 

Adam was fixing the zipper on his jacket when he heard his name in the sentence, looking up to Ronan, seeing Noah's only slightly offended expression as he left the room. 

 

"Fine, Noah's with me then." Gansey agreed as he walked behind Noah from the second floor. Adam and Ronan not too far behind them, Ronan shut the door behind him when he exited, walking alongside Adam, who was folding his arms. 

 

Things were still not okay between them. Yet Adam was thanking the God's he probably believed in that Ronan wasn't telling anyone about his..

 

_Little problem._

 

When they were outside, Noah got in the passenger seat of the pig. Adam watched Gansey get in the drivers seat, and it wasn't more than five seconds later the old car was roaring up loudly in the grim noon day.

 

Ronan unlocked the doors to his car and got in, Adam followed, getting in the front seat and closing the door, buckling his seat belt.

 

Because he'd take Ronan next to him in a moving vehicle rather than Gansey any day. 

 

When they began to drive, behind Gansey and Noah, Adam just stayed quiet, looking down to his hands that were in his laps, the gauze from the night before showing a little over his sleeves, making him tug the sleeves to his jacket over it a bit more. 

 

"You did it again last night?" Was what made Adam flinch back into reality again.

 

"What's it to you?" Adam retorted in response, looking to Ronan, who shot a glare to him when at a stoplight behind the duo in front of them.

 

"Yeah." Adam said softly after a few moments, figuring he should be careful with the only person who knew this secret. 

 

"I did." Adam repeated in a breathy tone before turning away and looking ahead again, eyes a little wide, he was a bit scared of Ronan's glare like this sometimes, yet he didn't let it get to him too much.

 

He only looked over again when they began to drive, one of Ronan's hands was out of the window, even though it was January, he still managed to handle this cold weather. Adam couldn't he was kind of trying to ignore the brisk breeze of freezing air that hit him every few moments. 

 

This was going to be a long drive.

 

Where were they going? Right, that's a simple answer. 'To take care of business' Ronan put it. Yet Gansey put it as, 'Going out for the weekend.'

 

Either way it was one word, two syllables.

 

_Trouble._

 

 

 

However, when Adam and Ronan were still behind the other two, and they were just about to get off the bridge to the city, Ronan took the completely opposite direction that he was supposed to. This made Adam sit up a little and looked up a little to see the pig driving off without them. 

 

This wasn't right. Adam looked over to Ronan, who just had that sly smirk, that meant he knew that Adam was confused like this. 

 

"Ronan.." Adam let out once they were off the bridge and driving down a road that Adam was really unfamiliar with, and it looked like Ronan was too, he just wasn't showing that as much.

 

"What?" Ronan asked before pulling into another turn, a long, looking as if it was never ending, highway. 

 

 _"Where are we going?"_ Adam breathed out in a slightly nervous tone, the speed that Ronan was going was beyond frightening to him alone. 

 

Ronan didn't answer, he just looked like he was ready to drive them off the side of the road into a ditch or something of that sort. 

 

"Ronan.." Adam said, a little more firmly now, jittery and moving in his seat, looking back and forwards, left and right. 

 

Nobody. No one was on this road, this long, large and lonely road. 

 

Adam wasn't scared, he was just a little worried.

 

Yet he was broken from the thoughts of Ronan's phone going off loudly. That  _damn_ song that he and Noah were worshiping as of now.

 

Adam looked at the large screened phone that was on the dashboard, Ronan wasn't even looking at it. 

 

It was Gansey calling. Adam thought about it, before looking to Ronan, who looked to busy on driving like a maniac to stop him from answering. 

 

So he did. 

 

"Hello?" Adam asked in a wavering voice, seeing Ronan quickly look over to him, not looking at the road.

 

This was bad, that made his stomach turn, the way Ronan wasn't even looking at the road while driving over one hundred miles per hour.

 

"Parrish? What the hell, where'd you guys go?" Gansey responded with, Ronan could hear it, yet it was muffled. 

 

Adam went to answer, opening his mouth and taking a small breath before speaking. "Ronan--"

 

Adam fell forwards, then backwards, then to the right, tossed around as Ronan took a ninety degree turn to the left, making Adam drop the phone with a small sound of pain, the call not yet ending it's self. 

 

"Lynch!" Adam practically shouted as he looked out of the front of the car, they were driving off the road, through a large, and vacant field.

 

It was about half a minute of the car engine roaring up, then they harshly jerked to a stop, Adam trying his best not to hit his head on the dashboard in the shock of it's suddenness.

 

Adam only sat up in time to see Ronan holding his phone now, ending the call and tossing it back up onto the dashboard before turning off the car.

 

Adam looked around, they were in the middle of nowhere, literally, miles of unused field, and then the vacant highway they had driven at a scarily fast speed down for about five minutes. 

 

Yet when Adam was staring blankly out of the window, to the highway that was just so empty, he heard Ronan get out, the car shaking with the slam of the large door. Adam looked over to see Ronan walking around the car, opening his door for him.

 

Adam just stared up to Ronan, a slightly mad, slightly confused face.

 

All of his expression towards Ronan was how he acted most of the time around Ronan.

 

Yet Adam still got out, walking ahead just enough for Ronan to slam his car door shut again.

 

"What are you  _doing?_ " Adam asked, emphasizing  _doing_ more than necessary. _  
_

" _We're_ going for a walk." Ronan said, gripping Adam's wrist and dragging him a little to walk on through more of the field, towards the forest that was near.

 

"Why?" Adam asked, pulling away his arm and folding them over his chest before just walking alongside Ronan with consent.

 

Ronan looked over to Adam, who was staring back at him already.

 

He didn't respond, he just crooked out a thin smile to Adam, who just looked ahead, they'd walked all the way to the rim of the forest. He heard a familiar large and lour roar of an engine, glancing over to see Noah and Gansey driving by, quite fast too.

 

Yet they didn't stop, nor did they see them, so Adam just sighed a little, looking back over, Ronan was about ten away. He watched as Ronan  gripped onto a low branch, swinging ahead and hopping down a small ledge that was steep and covered with old dead leaves. 

 

Adam walked forwards and looked down, Ronan was smirking a little, staring up to him already.

 

"Come on." Ronan said, arms folded, squinting just a bit from the dim sun gleaming through the bleak clouds of the brittle sky.

 

Adam looked over his shoulder, the pig had almost been out of sight, searching for them by now down there. He sighed and did as told, nodding and hopping down after holding onto the branch a little, feeling his hand grabbed almost instantly after he caught his steadiness again, and he was being pulled just a little bit through the deep and only slightly scary forest of dead winter trees. 

 

Soon they were deep enough that Adam could look around and not know where the hell the right way out was. 

 

"Okay, Lynch what the hell, tell me what you're making me do this for, now." Adam demanded, pulling his hand away, coming to a stop in his tracks, a cold and cloud of brisk breath leaving his mouth as Ronan turned around and stared at him, with that smile, that thin and cunning smile.

 

Then Adam felt on slick arm wrap around his waist, and he was pulled close by that area, making him flinch to a slightly tense position, hands and arms unraveled to his sides as he stared up to Ronan with confused eyes. He felt the frigid breath from Ronan's nose on his face, that was how close he was.

 

Their chests were togehter, and altogether, Adam just let out a small breath. "Ronan what the hell.." He began, he was cut off slowly.

 

By something warm, and sensational on his lips. He was being kissed, by Ronan, and this was nothing but sheer shock and tensing up to Adam, who just felt his eyes go wide and a gust of cold winter air breezed against them, making them water just the slightest.

 

He wasn't returning the kiss, and when Ronan pulled away, so it was lingering, their lips were barely touching anymore before Adam raised his hands to Ronan's chest, pressing only lightly against it, looking down, closing his eyes to rid them of the watery configure of them.

 

"That's why.." Ronan said softly, and it was probably the first time Adam heard him speak like this, without snark or retort, just soft and calm.

 

It was heart stopping.

 

"Ronan.." Adam began, going to pull away, before just kind of gripping at where he was holding his hands on Ronan's chest. 

 

"We  _can't.._ " He began, Ronan was just staring to Adam while listening, hands that were around Adam's waist now moving to slide up his back. Adam shook his head, pushing away slightly and weakly, but it was enough for Ronan to see what he wanted.

 

It wasn't that Adam thought that kiss wasn't what he wanted, or that Ronan wasn't what he wanted. 

 

It was the fact of  _what would people think of me if I did this?_

 

The question he asked himself before doing anything even remotely related to people noticing it.

 

It was silent, all but the sound of their breathing and the rustling of the dead tree branches in the winter wind. 

 

* * *

 

 

"What?" 

 

"They aren't behind us anymore.." Gansey mumbled in response to Noah's confused acknowledgement. 

 

Noah blinked before looking out the side view mirror, there were a few cars, yet none of them were Adam and Ronan.

 

Gansey pulled on the side of the road a little, before moving the stick shift to another motion and pulling onto the opposite side of the road.

 

"We seriously have to go back for them?" Noah groaned out, a slight whine from the delay.

 

"Yep, if you have a problem Czerny I can just drop you off on the road and you can walk the rest of the way while I go to find them." Gansey retorted, taking out his phone from his back pocket, opening his contacts and pressing call onto Ronan's contact while driving.  

 

However what happened when he got an answer, he blinked a few times while pulling back onto the bridge again. 

 

"Parrish? What the hell, where'd you guys go?" Gansey responded with, getting a confused raised eyebrow from Noah as they pulled onto the exit the other's did before.

 

It lead to a large highway, that was empty, and Gansey shared an equally confused look with Noah when they heard a scream of Ronan's name, and a lot of fumbling like the phone had fallen to the floorboards of the car, then hearing a large crash against the phone speaker, and it went quiet, then the called was ended.

 

"What happened?" Noah asked as he sat up in his seat, they were driving down the long road, looking around every few moments before at each other.

 

"Like I know, it was just Adam screaming Lynch's name and the call ended." Gansey mumbled in response.

 

As they drove right by where Ronan had stopped the car in the field, they were looking the opposite side to the other field.

 

They kept driving.

 

They didn't find them, and Gansey called Ronan again, nothing but five dead rings and voice mail.

 

* * *

 

 

"Adam." Ronan said softly, breaking the space of silence that had been going on for about two long minutes as they stared around, to their feet, or at each other.

 

"Yes?" Adam responded with softly as he folded his arms, looking down to his feet.

 

"Do you want this..?" Ronan asked, waiting anxiously for his answer.

 

"Yes." Adam let out gently, not unsure about it.

 

He wanted it, he wanted Ronan, yet he wasn't sure anyone else would appreciate it if he did this.

 

He wasn't going to lie, though.

 

Ronan nodded, wrapping his arms around the other's waist again, rubbing one hand up his covered back slowly, then back down. 

 

"No one's gonna think of you differently." He said softly, that tone of voice that made Adam shiver in his arms before closing his eyes.

 

"What if they do?" Adam mumbled back, holding onto Ronan's shirt a little. 

 

"I'll do what I always do, back you up." Ronan said, lifting one hand, playing with the faint brown locks of Adam's hair a little before pulling away. "Let's go to the car again, before Gansey calls the cops on us." He said before walking with Adam back towards the car, he knew the direction he was going in, but Adam however, did not.

 

They got back to the car, and Ronan got in the driver's seat again, taking his phone up, seeing Gansey had called again, rolling his eyes. "Probably flipping his shit." He mumbled before starting the car when Adam was buckling his seat belt, driving from the field, after doing a single doughnut, leaving large black streaks of tracks in the slightly overgrown grass that is. 

 

Adam just looked out the front of the car, eyes faraway with his breaths becoming softer after a few moments, not helping but to smile a little because something good was happening.

 

He felt wanted again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry Gansey and Adam are too troubling to write.


End file.
